| Thursday |
[Dec. 13th, 2003|02:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I Hate Everything About You | ] |
Wow omg I had so much fun on Thursday. But actually I feel kind of bad. I don't think anyone else enjoyed themselves. I really hope they did, caz I kinda feel like I pitied some to go and others were unexpected. It turned out good I guess. Well from my view point, or point of view. Left me really confused though. God I wish I had someone to understand. I can't ask my mom about it... grrr |
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| Hey |
[Nov. 25th, 2003|04:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My Heart Will Go On (don't know why, makes me sad) | ] |
Well now I've had the shittiest week. My mom is constantly thinking I'm a whore. I got in SOoooooo much trouble because I had to get the door for them and I was just getting out of the shower SOooo I was in a towel, I would have gotten introuble either way, for taking longer to dry off and put clothes on or just get the door, and it's not like I just bolted right out there. I looked and listened to see if he was coming upstairs. and he wasn't, then I got yelled at for taking a shower. That was crap. And the other day, I was told to pick up a little, so I was cleaning the whole house and I didn't get done because I took a shower, had to go to the hardware shop. Got yelled at, really bad, bad enough for me to cry. then my friend called and I was all upset on the phone, and I'm never upset.. especially infront of my friends. Oh, well. Then the next day aka yesterday, I got yelled at because I was helping dave and darryl with my car. And then I went on a ride with it with them, dave said there was still some air in the breaks And then there was a noise we heard when he would weave and hear a clanking sound. ends up after he sticks his head out the window, he yells, "it's your damn fuel cover!" and we all start laughing. it was so funny, and like no seat belts= flying in the seats and he'd slam on the breaks adn all it was fun, and then the car stalled out. and Darryl ended up going to the house to get dave's car and after a couple of tries, dave and I just sit and talk, and then he tries it again and it starts! and he flings it in drive and then he peels out and then the car stalls again, and we are coasting to my house and Darryls just pulling out the drive way and Dave just starts flashing his lights like crazy and saying 'get the hell out of the way!' a couple of times. and we slid safely in the driveway.. very fun.. but I got yelled at because it wasn't complete yet. and thats gonna be a lot of repair money there. I don't feel like talking about today so maybe later I'll talk about it. |
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| sucky |
[Nov. 19th, 2003|11:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Broken | ] |
Ok, now I've really gotten quite bored with this now, that everything has erased... thats hot. Well today I feel like shit, I just wanna crawl up in a whole and die, I feel that bad. Stupid shit. oooohhh well. yesterday sucked too, I would have written about it but I didn't get on the computer all day. So I didn't! Yesterday I really don't know if I consider it bad, but it was awkward. I had so many people over, well Darryl was over, then Dave and Dan came. I was glad to see them (Dave and Dan) but it was odd, because all of them either I like or have liked them. nd I puzzled myself today, if the opportunity casted itself, so I'd be able to date one of them, who? Well I know one of who I wouldn't. If one would change I would date him, but I don't think someone should have to change who they are for them to go out with me, you know what I mean? Not very good with explaining things. The other one has never done anything that's upset me and is always sweet to me. But out of the two I dunno, I really don't have to worry about it because nothing is ever going to happen with them :(. I guess the thought was cheerful for a little bit. hmmmmmmmmm well, since this is the second time writing this exact entry I guess I'll write more later to see how the day goes. So I guess until then.. |
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| Last breath |
[Nov. 10th, 2003|07:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Last Breath | ] |
I'm not even sure what to write. In math today, Lauren (spelled wrong I think)asked me if I was ok, and I was about to cry after she asked, I dream to tell someone how I feel. I don't want to feel this way. I want to take my last breath in this feeling, I want it to be done and over with. I don't feel like I own my own soul. I always go out to please people... I'll repeatedly loan money never get paid back, know it the next time and still do it. I am forced to make decisions that I'm not down with yet. I don't know how I feel to it either. I can't just make up my mind. I'll never be good enough, for anyone! Everything I try always crumbles, nothing ever fucking turns out. I am sooo tired of this life that I have. I can't stand it another day. my wondering through life isn't helping me. I can't make it this way.
searching through the deep dark night
I have found such a fright.
that keeps me in the shadows
a talent that should not endow
a talent of tears
that lead me to the end of a peier
and take those last steps
until I've reached the depths
I cannot find
what I have left behind
burried in my past
that thoughts wont last |
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| Die |
[Nov. 5th, 2003|05:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | For My Demons | ] |
God today sux. I always have so much on my mind. I was almost thrilled caz for a while I thought I didn't have homework but I do.. God I wish I didn't have the regrets that I do. I wish I could just start over again but I can't, no one can. I just hate doing this, I hate feeling the way I do. I'm so fucked up in the head that there is no one that can help. I just wish to god that I had someone to spill to, someone that i could tell and not feel guilty about it. oohh well. I gotta do psychology. |
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| What a day |
[Oct. 30th, 2003|06:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Deneb | ] |
Actually today I'm in one of those I really don't know moods. I don't really get how I feel other than towards my mom.. But I got happy after school. I was so miserable all during school. But I got excited about getting emailed again with no one on to express my gleefulness. O well, I really REALLY want to go to one of their concerts but I don't wanna go alone, and really I don't want my mom to drive, caz I know how she is. I really wanna go.. and I have to know everything by tuesday so I really really wanna go.. that makes me sad. But like now I'm so excited that I might be able to go.. I just need a way there... I know how to go but I just REALLY DON'T want my mom going. |
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| You wouldn't sleep at night if you knew what I've been through |
[Oct. 28th, 2003|09:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Somewhere I Belong (LP) | ] |
Well I wrote the dude and he wrote me back, I'll probably reply to him tomorrow. I was so excited when I got it and NO ONE was there to tell.. grrr I hate that. my day sucked my as.. I felt SO out of place than I have before. I mean I love my friends but I just don't feel real connected. I could probably think of some psychology bull shit about insecure attachments with my parents to make some bull shit up but I just HATE I LOATHE that feeling.. probably because I feel it so often.. I don't know if I'm all around jealous of everyone for the relationships that they have that I can't or what the hell it is.. I just feel like I'm in a room watching, i'm not really even aware that I am there. And it's really getting said caz i'd talk to hunny about how I felt for a while but I just haven't even felt like talking about it, and he can now predict songs that I'll like and all kinds of stuff like, For My Demons... DAMN THE WORD DEMONS.. it should have an a.. I always want to spell it deamons.. like I was in jamaica. So I have a daily pep talk with him, he tells me about his hardships in exchange for mine. I feel so bad caz he, well acts like, he really cares how I feel.... ... .. ... .. ...I feel so alone, and I understand that I am the only one that solve that problem. Like last year, Mr. Foster had his you need to change your lense on the world, everything is how you see it.. But if everything is how I see it and I want to see it happy I'm just deluding myself into some lie. You'd become ignorant/naive. Its another damn viscious cycle. I grow weary.. I feel run down...
I walk through the snow
and find I have no where to go
with the light that shades my soul
I slowly lose grip of my goal.
-online muse sheet-
well I have math to do.. thats how my life revolves ya know.. sucky huh |
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| For My Demons |
[Oct. 25th, 2003|08:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | For My Demons (Katatonia really good) | ] |
Homework is so overbearing. I have been doin it all day and well it's not getting anywhere!! my god I want to shoot my english teacher.. so much crap to get done. Today was such a bummer day.. I'm not sure if I should email that guy I met yesterday... hmmmmm... I dunno what I would say "hi! I don't think you'll remember me but I met you at the haunted corn field.. the little screaming girl?? etc.." I'd be such an idiot.. but I never meet anyone like that.. so that was a first and I was so excited after that. He was so cute.. but theres no pictures on their website, which makes me sad.. but I'll find one some time.. well I better get back and do homework.. just lost all my thoughts for the journal. |
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| Oh My God.. Screaming is a new tool |
[Oct. 25th, 2003|12:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Revenge (Ink Vine) | ] |
Yes, this friday is the coolest day ever!!! well school, it was pretty cool.. my first hour teacher gave us a bull shit assignment that wasn't hard so I didn't care. 2nd hour, we had a quiz which I forgot thursday, but remembered 10 minutes before class and then the quiz ended up being really easy. 3rd hour we went just as normal. 4th hour, YES my favorite class!! "I'll mount the squeegy" yess, that was the phrase of the day, but some people wouldn't drop it, even in 6th hour people still talked about that. nothing cool really happened from there on. Then I had to go to a football game tonight. Went there, then at after halftime, I went with my friendsto a haunted corn feild.. I was all peppy and excited then after like 10-15 minutes people started bitching aboutme having fun my way... SOOOOoo I stopped, and then i wanted to see the chain saw guy but of course no one else did so they got their way. And I would scream at occasional people as we passed by them and this one group of like 7 people maybe, I did it to one guy and then the last guy and the last guy was like "awww you didn't have to do that to me" so then I yelled sorry back.. and later I got lost from the group and I had just gotten upset because of something and people left their way and I was already going mine so I turned around and switched and went to go after them. So I ran into the group again and I was just talking to myself and I was like "ok, ready to go home now" and the last guy last time was talking to me, and was like, you don't want to go now you spent $10 on this you need to make the most of it. and I told them what the group was doing and wew talked a little bit and then i found my original group. So we went through there... and at the end I saw the guy from my foster group and he started talking to me.. He started asking me if I went to detroits and mt. clemens concerts and stuff... And as it turns out he is in a band caled ink vine.
( http://www.enterinkvine.com ) His name is Val or Aaron he goes by both, he does electronics. He lookes like creed witht eh pretty brown longish hair, but he had his eyebrow pierced and was a lil more scruffy.. And he started saying tht I was 18 and then I told him and he was gonna give me tickets to his big bash for halloween.. :( SOOOo I was called a big flirt the rest of the time.. Well I'll write more later |
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| P.O.S..... |
[Oct. 23rd, 2003|09:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Trigger Happy | ] |
I was soo happy today! I got my car, BUT I won't be able to drive it until NOVEMBER.. which is better than nothing but still... It's having the car sit there in my yard and not be able to do anything with it because 1 I don't have the title yet, 2 I don't have a license plate, and last but least 3 I don't have insurance on it yet.. grrrr. and I will be completely broke after I get this shit done. and I have to take it to the shop, get it checked out... then buy 2 new tires. That made me happy for a while.. but now I'm burnt out. I realize how much homework I'm getting, I can't do it I am getting so tired of everything. I need something new in life, which I hope maybe my car might do. I really need it to. I can't just smile and bear it anymore.. I don't think I should feel like I do. |
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| Let down |
[Oct. 22nd, 2003|08:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Excess Baggage (Staind) | ] |
Is it just me but are these days going slower??? Today it seems so slow, and I mean it's like a claustraphobic feeling I'm getting. I actually feel a little alienated.. I don't feel like I belong and I know that that is a hard way to go, but that is it. Sometimes I get people saying oh you're not ugly and you don't need to lose weight, but obviously there is something wrong with me! Or I wouldn't feel this way, people wouldn't look at me the way they do. I've been working on an english assignment and it seems so hard! I can't focus and it seems as if nothing is there to distracts me, what the hell is my problem now?? and I'm starting to get so tired so early..I just wish for change... and nothing happens. I guess things are getting better at home. I just "have to grin and bear it" -Wolfwood. |
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| Exercise |
[Oct. 21st, 2003|09:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Whispers | ] |
YES! Tomorrow I run.. I feel really bad about it, what if I can't do as much as I could. I know you go down if you haven't ran. I dunno today is a really really boring day I really don't have a reason to write a journal today I just don't feel like doing any more english, and I'm really tired.. I could go to sleep I think I just might do that.. I ran a lap around the school today, I felt good about it..
"don't turn away, don't give into the pain, Don't try to hide, though their screaming your name, Don't close your eyes, God knows what lies behind them, Don't turn out the light, never sleep never die"
I am not sure why I wrote that.. I'll figure it out when I'm awake!! Well I'm done tonight |
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| Black Hole |
[Oct. 20th, 2003|08:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  morose | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mr Sacrafice (Creed) | ] |
Nothing I do seems to be good enough. Every accomplishment that I do never turns out, or no one else cares. It really seems that no matter how hard I try no one gives to shits.. I haven't eaten in 3 days, I slept only 4 1/2 hours last week. I can't keep this shit up any more. Maybe one day I'll have an idea... But maybe I won't be there that day. I feel so stressed all the time.. and I can't find something to unleash my fustrations on, I just can't do shit like that any more what so ever. I have cut myself, which numbs you but it only lasts for so long. And I do my benge eating shit, I get upset don't eat for a couple days, then eat everything. I should weigh myself. I'm going running Wednesday, maybe that'll get some stuff off my head.. Why won't these things come. I know I've been fucked up since I've been 6 years old... and how can someone live for 10 years the way I feel inside? I have naturally became numb and it seems as if I'm crying out and no one hears me. What the fuck is wrong with people? Better yet, what the fuck is wrong with me?! I havent opened up since I was 6 years old!, does no one fucking see that? or is that just to damn hard to understand? I would really like to know! I just can't take this pain inside of me. |
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| I don't know anymore |
[Oct. 17th, 2003|08:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tight Rope (Lacuna Coil) | ] |
I'm tired of being jellous of everyone... grrrrr... I dunno what to say anymore.. maybe tomorrow I will have really more to say but hey I'll try to make a poem anyway..... <---- it rymned
Voices In My Head
In this soul that I have left,
I feel there's something I should've kept.
Through the shadows of my gloom,
I slowly begin to lock my tomb.
Thoughts that I think,
Don't even last a blink.
As I swivel down the drain,
Of this life of eternal pain.
The darkness that consumes,
Is as rank as an old perfume.
My eyes can't see within,
This darkened light I've brought in.
All I hear is his voice,
Saying I have no choice.
I'm not strong enough to fit in,
I just have to try to win.
"Now you see my sweets, that wasn't so hard,
That man he hurt you, he left you scarred.
He deserves to lay there and bleed to death,
Now watch over him as he takes his last breath"
Is all that echoed in my head,
As I watch the face of the dead.
Now I move on, end to end,
Just waiting to begin.
The sins I face,
Leave me nothing to embrace.
And in that case all my fears come around,
And I'll be no where to be found. |
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| When thoughts become actions |
[Oct. 16th, 2003|08:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Whispers evanescence | ] |
When thoughts become actions, then you have problems. I found myself in a dream all day. I didn't even realize what to do when the bells went off for school, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I just wished that I was in another world as I was cutting up my thumb. Which is a little sore now, but when I was ding it, it seemed to numb me. I felt nothing.. I felt as if I was nothing. Which I am. It's just like, well, all I want is whats real, something that touching can feel, I'll hold it close and never let it go, said why why do we live this life with all this hate inside, I'll give it away caz I don't want it no more, please, help me find a place somewhere far away, yes I'll go and you'll never see me again. ahhhhhh just shoot me. I just see people and want to cry! I hate seeing happy people, what makes them so god damn special to be able to be happy??????? I mean why the fuck not me? I think I'm a good person, but maybe like my mom says, I'm not good enough. I mean face it, no one gives two shits. I mean well fuck, I don't know what the fuck I mean, it only makes sense to me.. I just can't stand this errrrr.... I just want out, WHY CAN'T I GET OUT, WHY CAN'T I GET AWAY???? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? OR DO I NOT DESERVE THAT MUCH? I mean what the fuck is wrong with... my life is like a third wheel and I'm so fucking tired of that feeling. I want to be the important one.. I want out... I just can't do this.. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I have seriously looked at my pills, and my razor.. today I really could have done it... |
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| Shit Hole |
[Oct. 15th, 2003|04:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Everybody's Fool | ] |
Yess.. Shit hole, what describes my life better than shit hole.. NOTHING! Everything always goes down hill.. Things were finally starting to look up with my family and my mom gives me hell for a tshirt that makes me look as a big as a house and says that I look like a slut obviously. Then later I was getting my shoes and she was giving me this dirty look, and I wasn't very happy and then she was like, what was that look for, and really I just had a plain day irratated look.And so this leads me up to the, She drives away and leaves me to walk to school part. And let everyone know it's freezing cold at 7am. So I spent my morning crying because of my mom, I stopped before going outside in the shear fear that the tears would freeze to my face. struggled through first 3 hours, went through lunch. Went to my fav class and hunny patted me on the back and asked if I was better today. I didn't really answer him.. He watches over me a lot. I talked to him after school, I always feel a little better after talking to him. Although today he looked soooo sad. Not like it was good news I was telling him either. |
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| Why do I bother? |
[Oct. 12th, 2003|08:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Numb (Linkin Park) | ] |
This'll be about yesterday... for now. Wow, there is a lot to say about yesterday. Yesterday was our Homecoming, whoopdy doo.. I would have been better if I wasn't reminded by a certain friend of the happy couples.. o well. We went over to Kathy's house as it was planned to be, only like 16 of 20 showed up, the damn restraunt lost the invitations or there weren't any which pissed me off a little. Then we went to the dance. It was pretty cool for a while, then they played a slow song and I made Melinda and her date Gordan dance. They danced like twice the whole night. And sure enough I had both of them following me the whole night, I knew Melinda but I didn't like her but I had her as a fan club.. REAL COOL... Then a good friend of mine, who is kinda suicidal well had stuff on her, and I spent a good portion of my time trying and finally getting the thing, which turned out to be a broken wired braclet, away from her. I felt better about myself and then she tells me my brother tells her that my mom is gonna send me to Tn.. So I got upset.. and I just couldn't handle everyone's damn problems, who does everyone think I am god???? I don't have any answers! So really thats needless to say I've been in a shitty mood since. I actually started to cry. Yes I cried in public, so what the fuck is wrong with me. I never cry infront of people. I didn't feel better after crying, but I had one of my best friends come and check on me. And I got to spend like ohhh 20 minutes talking to Hunny, caz he saw me.. I felt better after talking to him. I don't want to go to my friends because then I'm just burdening them, but if you say one thing to a teacher then they like suspect you for suicide attempts. So I got the pep talk from Hunny. I felt really good to after getting some of my problems out. But I feel like I just complain, like once I say it it seems so measley that I'm an idiot for being upset about it. I felt a little at peace. But if he turns into witgen I'm killing him! I am just so lost in my feelings I cant concintrate on anything, I have so much work to do but I just can't seem to get it done fast enough. I just silently cry myself to sleep, or waste my life away, it's not like it'd matter there isn't much to it. |
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| No Problems |
[Oct. 11th, 2003|11:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lies (evanescence) | ] |
I don't know what's wrong with me. I just cant hold on. I'm always the person who seems as if I don't have any problems. Thats how I want to be! but I just can't.. I hate to complain to my frined. I love them to death, caz really they're all I got. I don't have anyone that I can talk to, and really I could say that I really don't have a best friend.. Everybody just seems so damn happy and I just can't take it anymore. And homecoming is going to be the pits, stuck with 3 people that I like, and 15 that I don't know or like... well I'll talk more later |
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| Life |
[Oct. 7th, 2003|05:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My Last Breath (Evanescence) | ] |
I think that maybe just life is just a lie. I think life is meant for us to fuck up our little heads on, in trying to figure out the point to it. Because there probably isn't a point to life. I think that, this is my own personal theory. Everyone lives life as a book/story. Everyone is going to die at a specific point in their life. it's all planned out. and well mine as it is going is an interesting fucked up story. and hopefully it will end soon.. they say that life has an equal amount of ups and downs, and well gosh darn it, I better have an awesome end of my life. caz the beginning is just going straight down the shitter. But no, I can't let it seem like my life sux. no, I alwawy try to be happy around other but I just can't handle it. |
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